Stop Viagra Spam

I was going through my spam catcher and came across what appears to be a real e-mail from a reader.

This comes from “Dan,” who doesn’t have the balls to give his real e-mail address, but instead created a special one at AOL just to send this message. Kudos for knowing how to hide while tossing bombs out onto the internet, Dan.

Dan took the time to set up an anonymous AOL address just so he could spend more time to send me this gem: (excuse the language – it’s Dan, not me.)

A website that talks about how you hate and are annoyed by spam, yet you have ads… Ads that promote the very thing your site here claims it is against. Think I will steal your personal info, and add you to more spam senders’ email lists. What a fuck tard you are!

Dan, go back on your meds!

Here’s a good one – spam that insults while trying to sell.

We’re granting you access to pass through the velvet ropes to see how the better half plays.

Sure – tell me I’m in the bottom half while inviting me to play with my “betters.” I’ll just jump right on that – how much will it cost me?

This, by the way, was an unsolicited invitation to play at an online casino. Not the smartest approach, in my opinion.

And my junk mail folder fills up with great material… and I am thinking to myself – I need to share this with The World! Then, short of time, I clear it out when it hits over 1500 spam e-mails – at which point it quickly fills up again.

Sometimes I take a few minutes to unsubscribe from the multiple newsletters I mysteriously get automatically subscribed to – that cuts down the number of e-mails all by itself. I do wonder how this happens, since newsletters are supposed to be double opt-in and I don’t use my main e-mail address for anything like that any more. (I certainly learned my lesson!) So how the hell do I get subscribed to these newsletters when I never opted in for anything at these sites? Who the hell is sharing my e-mail address without my permission? Nonetheless, I opt back out. Like mail-order catalogs, however, they seem to return on a semi-seasonal basis.

Spam about ED (erectile dysfunction, for those of you who have been living in a cave with no TV – the ads are obnoxious) and penile enhancement remain the #1 favorite, with spam promising to get my web site to page 1 of Google results running a close second.

Maintaining the theme close to my heart, the penile enhancement and ED spam remains completely unintelligent and without any discernible target. Witness the latest offer in my junk mail folder:

SUBJECT: Bring back time when girls were yours.

Initially, I wondered how someone knew my “girls” were sagging and badly in need of a comeback… but no, that’s not what this was about.

Boost your sexual strength with our meds !
Be sexual giant all  night long.
Discounts and perfect prices only for you.
We know solution you are looking for !

Unless my “girls” have more sexual prowess than I was aware of, I guess this isn’t meant for me.

What a surprise.

I switched computers so I only use my laptop now. I did buy the latest/greatest AVG protection for the laptop but since I no longer use the desk computer, there’s no need to upgrade, right?

First, I got e-mails from AVG, reminding me that my license was expiring. Then, e-mails telling me my license had expired.

All of which I was already aware.

But then – a phone call from AVG? Since when do software companies CALL and ask about your renewals?

I can’t decide if this is outstanding customer service – or just plain annoying.

Here’s the latest in my inbox that I had to save for publication. I hadn’t seen this variation on the Nigerian scam before. I just picture a couple guys sitting around and trying to figure out how to get better conversion rates on their scam spam. “Hey, Mbudu, how about if we include something about a well-known and trusted company, like FedEx?”

SUBJECT: CONFIRM OWNERSHIP(PARCEL)
FROM: FedEx Courer Company info@fedex.com

Obviously, the address is a fake. The e-mail address that this was actually sent from is nyugatifogado@t-email.hu.

I have to include the entire text because the details are just too delicious.

CONFIRM OWNERSHIP(PARCEL)

Dear Customer!

We have been waiting for you to contact u for your Confirmable Package that is registered with us for shipping to your residential location. We had thought that your sender gave you our contact details. It may interest you to note that a letter is also added to your package. However, we cannot quote its content to you via email for Privacy reasons we understand that the content of your package itself is a Bank Draft worth of $800,000.00 USD. As you know, FedEx do not ship money in CASH or in CHEQUES but Bank Drafts are shippable.

The package is registered with us for mailing by your colleague, and your colleague explained that he is from the United States but he is here in Nigeria for a three (3) months Surveying Project as he works with a construction firm in the Nigeria West Africa region, We are sending you this email because your package is been registered on a Special Order.

What you have to do now, is to contact our Delivery Department for immediate dispatch of your package to your residential address. Note that as soon as our Delivery Team confirms your information’s will take only one working day (24 hours) for your package to arrive its designated address. For your information, the VAT & Shipping charges as well as Insurance fees have been paid by your colleague before your package was registered. Note that the payment that is made on the Insurance, Premium & Clearance Certificates, you are to certify that the Bank Draft is not a Drug Affiliated Fund (DAF) neither is it funds to sponsor Terrorism in your country. This will help you avoid any form of query from the Monetary Authority of your country. However, you will have to pay a sum of $286.00 USD to the FedEx Delivery Department being full payment for the Security Keeping Fee of the FedEx Company as stated in our privacy terms & condition page. Also be informed that your colleague wished to pay having known not when you will be picking up the package or even responding to us. So we cannot take the risk to have accepted such payment incase of any possible demurrage.

Kindly note that your colleague did not leave us with any further information we hope that you respond to us as soon as possible because if you fail to respond until the expiry date of this package, we may refer the package to the British Commission for Welfare as the package do not have a return address. Kindly contact the delivery department (FedEx Delivery Post) with the details given below: FedEx Delivery Post Contact
Person:

Mr. Garrick Oxford
Email: delivery_fedexunit001@yahoo.com.hk
Tel: +2347056634528

Kindly complete the below form and send it to the email address given above. This is mandatory to reconfirm your Postal address and telephone numbers.

FULL NAMES:…
TELEPHONE:..
POSTAL ADDRESS:..
CITY:..
STATE:..
COUNTRY:..
OCCUPATION:..

Kindly complete the above form and summit it to the delivery manager on:
delivery_fedexunit001@yahoo.com.hk

As soon as your details are received, our delivery team will give you the necessary payment procedure so that you can effect the payment for the Security Keeping Fees. As soon as they confirm your payment of $286.00 US, they will not hesitate to dispatch your package as well as the attached letter to your residence. It usually takes 24 hours being an over night delivery service. Note that we were not instructed to email you, but due to the high priority of your package we had to inform you as your sender did not leave us with his phone number because he stated that he just arrived Nigeria and he hasn’t got any phone yet. We indeed personally sealed your Bank Draft and we found your email contact in the attached letter as the recipient of the foremost package. Ensure to contact the delivery department with the email address given above and ensure to fill the above form as well to enable a successful reconfirmation.

Yours Faithfully,
Mrs. Margaret Blaire.
FedEx Online Team Management

On the point of validating your audience: I don’t live in the UK. If there’s a package waiting for me in the UK, it’s going to wait a long time.

FedEx sure knows a lot about the sender, don’t they?

Again, I’m left to wonder if there really are people stupid enough to respond to this.

Is Viagra the #1 spam topic?

Checking my e-mail box here and it looks like it contends heavily with weight loss for the #1 spot. Actually, I’m assuming that’s what these subject lines are all about:

“Give yourself the edge over the other guys” (Are men really this insecure??)

“Become a new man!”

“Medications that you need”

“Push your pole deeper into her when you are bigger” (just what a woman wants to hear whispered in her ear, huh?)

“Wanna get a larger boner?”

“Add more spice into your bedroom life”

I want to know – please PLEASE leave a comment here if you responded to and bought anything from an e-mail with a subject line like this. Tell us why. And we promise (no, really!) not to make fun of you. OK, we promise not to make fun of you until after we stop laughing. But that’s the best I can promise.